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oh I didn't realize you used to be a huge piece of shit

toskarin:

now this may surprise some of the audience, but the majority of humans have to survive a phase called “being a teenager” and the results are often catastrophic

One of the most useful things about the Elder Millennial status is that my early teen years were spent without the internet, and my late teen years are buried in the rubble where Opendiary used to stand.

*checks*

… buried in the foundations of where a new building has been erected on the site where the original Opendiary used to stand.

apas-95:

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This isn’t to say it’s hard to find the rest of that sentence, but if I - as a British citizen, or somewhere the British government could find a gap to crowbar legislation - were to say the bit in red, my tumblr account being deleted would be the first echo of a truly outstanding avalanche of bad times.

firetinasty:

magicalgirlmindcrank:

magicalgirlmindcrank:

Hello welcome my ADHD themed gameshow, “So you were holding it literally moments ago but now it’s gone” the where YOU look for whatever you were just holding while going increasingly mad

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I’m just trying to get the mood right

Reblog if you didn’t notice the missing words

fragariavescana:

vrpltransdyke:

dharma-initiative-official:

prokopetz:

Robot with a comprehensive selection of hot-swappable dicks carefully organised and labelled in three separate carrying cases: one for metric, one for Imperial, and one for commonly encountered nonstandard and legacy applications.

calibrated analysis dick. parallel 100ghz sense-data connections. don’t bother using it if the room’s vertical temperature gradient isn’t controlled to better than 1C. came with a felt-lined case for transport and storage, which includes torque wrenches for proper installation

you can’t even get the catalogue unless you’ve had a threesome with the ceos of rohde & schwarz and amphenol

Mona Lisa: I twisted it just right.
Vinny: How can you be so sure?
Mona Lisa: If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model dick requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
Vinny: How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?
Mona Lisa: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.
Vinny: In that case, how can you be sure THAT’S accurate?
Mona Lisa: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the dick, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here’s the certificate of validation!
Vinny: “Dead-on balls accurate”?
Mona Lisa: It’s an industry term.

I can’t believe I should have to say this but you shouldn’t be torquing your penises. What do they teach you in sex-ed these days? This is unreliable because the actual tension on the mating surface at a certain torque depends on how well lubed-up you are.

You should be using the torque-angle method: tighten to the seating torque provided by the OEM (roughly where the stress starts to linearly increase) then turn the cock by the correct angle to bring it to the desired stress.

While the above is theoretically true, a load of practical users are pretty much entirely torque.

a bearded collie - Rylan - flat out on a blue sofa, his head on his front pawsALT

They said I could become whatever I wanted, so I became a sofa cushion.

memewhore:

Description: Tiktok video, original on the right, real-time reaction by  Jonathan Frakes on the left.

Original: Masc actor in a Star Trek TNG uniform sits using the “Riker Manoeuvre” (Straighten uniform, approaches a chair from behind, lifting his leg over the chair as he sits in it) on a hip-height stool, and then smiles confidently. Caption: Novice.

Reaction: Leans forward in interest, hand over chin.

Original: Caption: “Intermediate”, Actor sits on a curved white office/dining style chair with the same manoeuvre

Reaction: Interest, smiles.

Original: Caption: “Advanced”, Actor repeats the manoeuvre on a lowered gaming chair with some difficulty.

Reaction: Laughter

Original: Caption: “Expert”, Actor performs the Riker Manoeuvre over a brown sofa with a back-rest over the left side, coming in with his left leg through the gap, and his right leg over the back-rest. Same confident smile.

Reaction: Continued Laughter

Original: Caption: “XXXpert”, Actor does a version of the Manoeuvre to lay on a double bed, his back propped on an elbow, his leg cocked into an upright triangle. He salutes the camera jauntily.

Reaction: Further laughter.

Cut to single shot of Frakes

Frakes: “Oh my god, On one of the cruises I hosted a … Riker sits down competition; which that gentleman clearly would have won.

It creeps up on you, slowly first.

You notice it’s some kind of verse,

The meter is a bit familiar to ya.

That weird contraction, out of scheme?

You beg, you sob, you curse and scream

You’ve realised it’s fucking “Halilujah”

evite - Avoid

invite - Request

evitable - Able to be avoided.

invitable - Able to be requested

inevitable - Unable to be avoided.

pattern-recognition:

gunsandfireandshit:

pattern-recognition:

humans love dressing up so much and get there simply aren’t enough occasions that call for dressing up in unique clothing in contemporary western society. yet another tragic loss to the sensorium

That’s why people have raves and goth nights and stuff

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i was actually thinking of georgian chokhas when i made this post but you’re right this would kill it at a goth night

One of the major pitches for LARP for me was the ability to wear more cloaks.

teathattast:

teathattast:

teathattast:

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💯🙏💛🟨👍

Worst part about this is I’ve only ever used that yellow square emoji once and it was just to see how it looked. This isn’t who I am. However, in retrospect, I suppose it is

Reading through the notes is a surreal experience please keep adding more to fuel my effervescent consumption of non descriptive emojis

retroactivebakeries:

homopathicsociosexual:

retroactivebakeries:

retroactivebakeries:

A wandering catgirl sorcerer has taught you a single spell:

See what someone dreamed last night, but then forget like right after.

Give an animal or object as much intelligence as you think it has.

Send *anything* through the mail

Change the absence of something into the absence of something else.

Experience “pigeon emotions.”

Animate and control clothes as long as you’re wearing them.

Turn into a smooth river rock until the next new moon.

Find a shop or restaurant you think you’ve been too, even if you haven’t.

See Results
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changing one kind of absence to another isn’t the same thing as making the absent thing present. it’s like how removing the emptiness from a cup is very different from refilling it.

If you still have an absence of money you have not changed it to an absence of something else, in order for it to change the money must become present in some quantity.

If I change the absence of water in a glass to the absence of air, their should be no air and at least some water in the glass, whether that means a vacuum with some water in their that is immediately filled with air again, or some water floating on a glass of oil.

I would also ask how you can “remove emptiness” without something becoming at least partially full?

I know this is a silly tumblr poll, but you’re the one who started arguing semantics

Here, we turn to Jenna Moran’s seminal treatise on the counter-ontology of the Not:

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If further reading is necessary:

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“Anything” doesn’t appear to be limited to things I actually have, so I’ll post me a winning lottery ticket.

The Law Of Kitchens

Aquarion’s law of kitchens is this:

Either you are doing it, or you are helping it be done.

The option of not doing it and advising on how it should be done is not required unless asked.

This applies to, but is not limited to:

  • Cooking (Including Sous Chef duties)
  • Washing up
  • Loading the dishwasher
  • Making beverages (inc. cocktails)
  • Dance

If you think you can do the current job better: Leave.

sotruefeste:

sotruefeste:

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okay Jaques 😭😭 why is this so funny

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it’s tragic because i didn’t include Orlando’s response, it’s even funnier. get him Orlando. you tell him.